We Interrupt This Publisher's Letter To Bring You An Urgent Message About Hurricane Matthew, The Great Storm That Never Came
In case you did not notice, this is our annual sports issue. We wish to acknowledge several fine contributors—BUT WAIT, EMERGENCY INTERRUPTION!!!! This is being written at exactly the time a massive hurricane is assaulting South Florida! We would be remiss if we did not warn readers that, according to TV reports, we are all about to die!
At least that’s what the governor just said. If you don’t evacuate, you could die. Get out now!
The TV is confirming his worry. This is a monstrous storm that will blow your hair piece off if you don’t have shutters to protect it. The police chief from Stuart is ordering body bags for you fools who still stay in mobile homes on the beach. That goes for everybody, even if you live deep in the Everglades. If you don’t leave immediately, they will be lucky if they find your remains in Latrobe, Pennsylvania.
Not to worry. The boys are outside whamming away at the shutters. Our wife, who is claustaphobic, is already having a hard time breathing. Says she feels like she’s in jail.
The TV is confirming that the only way to survive this catastrophe is to keep listening to this station. DON’T LEAVE FOR A MINUTE—you might miss a commercial. If you get in your car, stay tuned. This monster will follow you no matter where you go. We interrupt for a statement from Donald Trump, who is deeply religious. He says this storm was caused by crooked Hillary, working closely with ISIS. God is punishing her for not divorcing her husband for infidelities.
Odd, the TV map shows the storm way out, going north and almost past Miami and Fort Lauderdale. No local evacuations suggested. But stay tuned. This is a monster.
Oops. Local Channel 6 broadcaster says there is good news. The storm appears to be turning north. Two minutes later, better news. The storm is passing us. We are out of danger. If you are putting up shutters, stop. You won’t need them. Go out and get drunk with gratitude.
Another statement from Donald Trump. He and God have saved us from the storm, as a reward for his not mentioning Clinton infidelities.
Whew, that was close. Back on topic, this is our annual sports issue. If you like stadiums, and who doesn’t, it is great to know we have new ones, or an extensively remodeled one, that won’t be needed as refugee centers, at least until the next monster storm arrives. That theme, combined with our back-of-book column on uniforms, gives us a chance to recycle our all-time favorite sports shot from 1972.
Those were the days when the Dolphins knew how to dress. Come hell or high water.